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497 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Subject: The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered
her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot
air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information,
and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."


7,321 Posts
a little more political humor....

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
>asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
>accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week" The
>florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber
>goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
>Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to Pay his bill
>the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept Money from you;
>I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
> Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you
>card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
>Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
>bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from
>you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very
>happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open,
>there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to
>Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
>Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
>bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from
>you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very
>happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to
>open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
>"And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
>left and right!"


276 Posts
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"


7,321 Posts
good one DUPPY


7,321 Posts
how bout are pigs aren't they, but hey, we want to ENJOY retirement at least as long as we can.........

Ron's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health
benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to
her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets
home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just
me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for
some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you
know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as
make one for
me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.....

Signed, Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says
that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver
II golf club rammed up his "edit for bad language", with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the
all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he
accidentally sat down on it


planes take off against the wind
15,035 Posts
NOW - this is something I would have expected Mama to post....

7,321 Posts
zdooman said:
NOW - this is something I would have expected Mama to post....
I figured I get some input from her on that one........


151 Posts
Well Mama, you ought to like this then

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules:

Please note... these are all number "1" ON PURPOSE!

#1 Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

#1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down, You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

#1 Crying is blackmail

#1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!

#1 "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

#1 Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

#1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

#1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

#1 If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

#1If something we said could be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

#1 You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

#1 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#1 Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

#1 All me see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

#1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

#1 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#1When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really!

#1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
-Sports, or

#1 You have enough cloths.

#1 You have too many shoes.

#1 I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Now ladies thank you for reading this, yes, we know, we have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

428 Posts
'nother one

So this guy is talking to his wife and one night she says "honey, my boobs are too small."

So the husband is like "well i know of a way to make them bigger."

"tell me more," she replies.

so he tells her his solution, " every day rub a piece of toilet paper between them, and they will get bigger"

the wife is like " theres no way thats gonna work, how long will it take?"

he replies, " they will get progressivly bigger year by year"

so she asks him " how will this do anything"

he answers "well it worked for your butt, i dont know why it wont work for your boobs."

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